I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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