he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
