totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
