can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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