Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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