Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
