All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
