neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
