I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Randomize
