Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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