I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
