do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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