If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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