Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
