I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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