it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
