and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
