hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
