So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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