In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
...so i touched it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
