just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
