I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
