nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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