I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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