I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
