He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
