K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
