i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
