I think I died a long time ago.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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