If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
