My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
All the doctor said was why
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
