she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
