My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
