did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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