I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
