Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
