we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
