i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
