i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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