I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
