I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
