Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
