My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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