and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
