I can tuck mytits in my pants
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
