yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
