we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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