Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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