I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
