a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
