I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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